Disclaimer: I will be referring to people with vaginas as women and people with penises as men for sake of simplicity.
The process to reach orgasm starts at arousal. The amount of time it takes for each person is different, but this is what makes foreplay so important. After arousal, you work your way up to plateau. This is the height of pleasure, and then orgasm is when you push even further than that. Directly after, you crash right down to where you started. That’s where the refractory period starts, and it is generally shorter for women than it is for men. That’s why woman can have multiple orgasms.
Orgasms come is all shapes and sizes. Well, intensities. They can be short and sweet. Dull. Long. Intense. Or come in rolling waves. Each one different from the rest. So here are some different ways to reach orgasm. All can work on their own or in any combination, depending on the person.
The go to way for a majority of women to get to their happy place, the clitoris itself has 8,000 nerve endings, and although it is small, the sensations affect 15,000 other nerve endings in the pelvic area. Meaning it is very sensitive, and gets more sensitive with more stimulation. The clitoris is actually more than just what you see from the outside, there is actually quite a bit of clitoral tissue that runs inside the body and around the vaginal canal. It can be stimulated with fingers, the tongue, or toys.
Don’t get this confused with G-spot stimulation, for some women, simply being penetrated, specifically deeply, is all they need. You probably wont reach with fingers, but a penis or toy can be inserted up to the cervix, which, given it doesn’t get any contact in day to day life, can be very sensitive, and pleasurable. However it could be painful, so start slow to see what you or your partner likes.
The G-spot really isn’t that hard to find. It isn’t a separate part of the vagina, it’s a spot that has a special type of gland called the skene’s glands and is partially connected to the clitoris. Though it varies on every woman, generally the G-spot is about an inch or two from the vaginal opening. Not all women have these glands and each women has a different number of these glands, so the area will be more sensitive for some ladies and not so much for others. To find it, insert a figure or two to about the second knuckle and make a ‘come hither’ motion, it should feel spongy. The G-spot can also be reached with by penis, toys, and sometimes tongue. This lovely spot is also responsible for squirting, but I’ll get into that a little more later.
Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but there are in fact a small handful of people out there that can experience orgasms that are brought on just through nipple stimulation. (Stay tuned for a full article just on this!)
Yes, women can also achieve orgasm though anal penetration. There aren’t any specifically sex related pleasure spots, but it is a generally sensitive area. Some women might find it extremely pleasurable, while some might find it painful, and some are just indifferent. Until you know what kind of woman you are, go slow with someone that you trust. Use fingers and small toys before diving into anal penetration with a penis or large toy.
Also know as the male G-spot, is the prostate. Made up of the same skene’s glands as the female G-spot, is located about two inches up in the anal cavity. Stimulating the prostate can provide very intense orgasms. It can be stimulated by fingers, toys, or a penis. Lets get one thing straight here, there is nothing gay about having your prostate stimulated. Your sexual orientation should not stop you from experiencing all the pleasure your body is capable of providing you. Inserting things in your butt does not make you gay, being attracted to other men makes you gay.
Head, Shaft, and Balls
This one’s the obvious one for the penis haver’s. Pretty self explanatory and not hard to find. But I felt the need to include it.
Why can women have multiple orgasms but men can’t? It has to do with the refractory periods. Think of those super soakers that we played with as kids and you would have to pump them up to build up pressure. It’s kind of like that. Our body’s need to recharge after an orgasm. Women just have a shorter refractory period. Men’s is probably longer because generally their orgasms come with ejaculation, and production of a new batch of semen can take a while to cook up. Female orgasm and ejaculation however, have nothing to do with reproduction. The egg is either there or it’s not.
Orgasm without Ejaculation
Orgasms and ejaculation are not the same thing. They often happen at the same time, but do not have to. Orgasm is the pleasure sensation, it’s the rush of endorphins and if you were put in a brain scan, your brain activity during orgasm is actually similar to an epileptic fit. Ejaculation however is the physical discharge of fluid. A man that does not ejaculate will not lose his erection, allowing him to have multiple orgasms. But on the reverse, males that ejaculate without orgasm wont feel much pleasure. Most people think that female ejaculation is squirting, but really female ejaculation is just white creamy fluid that is created inside the vagina.
It is not urine. It does come from the bladder and is similar to urine but the liquid is diluted and contains prostate fluid. The skene’s glands that make up the G-spot wrap around the urethra and create fluid that is very similar to male ejaculate just without the sperm, and is released through two tiny ducts on either side of the urethra. 40% of females experience squirting in their lifetime. Some women squirt really easily, some it takes a little more work. Women without skene’s glands cannot squirt. Some women claim that orgasms with squirting feel better than ones without, but every woman is different, and orgasms are orgasms. Am I right?
Ready… Set… Cum!
As magical and romantic as is might seem to finish at the same time as your lover, it is highly unlikely. It’s possible, but don’t count on it. If you do happen to orgasm at the same time, for most it will be nothing more than a coincidence. Everyone is different, and has different needs when it comes to reaching our ‘O’s. However, if you are really in sync with your partner and know each other's rhythms and how they need to get where they're going, you have a higher chance of arriving at the same time.
Help I can’t cum!
Unfortunately, there are women out there that despite being sexually active have never had the pleasure of experiencing an orgasm. If you are one of those women, no, there is nothing wrong with you. You just haven’t found what works for you yet. The key to any orgasm is consistency. Find what feels good and don’t stop. Get yourself to that plateau I mentioned earlier, and keep going with it. Really focus in on the moment and the pleasure you’re feeling. Try to let go of all the stresses of the day or any anxiety you might be feeling in the moment. Stress is going to make it harder to orgasm.
I strongly advise for any woman that can’t orgasm with a partner, make sure you can get yourself there first. That’s right honey, Masturbate! No one knows you better than yourself. If you are not comfortable with your body, you are not going to be comfortable letting someone else into the driver seat of your pleasure journey.
Use toys! There are easy to find and affordable options out there, that can open up a whole new world of pleasure. Use them on your own, or use them with a partner. Toys are not meant to replace the sensation of being with another person, but they can be a great addition. Your partner should not be intimidated by the fact that you need a little extra help to achieve orgasm. Simply explain that we are all different, and it has nothing to do with their performance, you just want to have the best time you can have. Cause that’s the whole reason we do this sex thing.
We all get there differently. If none of the above works for you, maybe you need a little extra stimulation like hair pulling or choking? Maybe dirty talk is what you need. Experiment and try new things. Figure out just what it is that gets you there, and be able to verbalize it to your partner. Most importantly, just have fun! And stay safe.